Several times in my life I have felt out of touch with everything. There were times when I woke up in the morning and wished I could just continue in my bed. I virtually lived for nothing; no goals, no plans… no achievement to look back to. In fact, at such times all I could ever wish for was to find comfort in some times in the distant pass when all I got was love from people who were naturally responsible for me. Unfortunately, the weight of my depression wouldn’t let me remember what it felt like even if I got some luck digging through.
On the contrary, there were other times when; even when I had nothing good around the corner, I felt happy to be alive. I look in the future and all I could see will be greatness; I always envisaged a beautiful family, a great career… a very bright future. Though I will, in most instances, be unable to figure out the source of my excitement, I always knew I was a happier person. Interestingly, I observed that I always performed far above expectations during times like that. Everything I got into moves well and there always seemed to be an unending flow of strength from within.
Around the last lap of 2008 I was in a similar situation to the one I described in the first paragraph. It was my final year in the University; family and friends were looking up to celebrating my graduation in style. In Fact my Mum had to inform a clique of her friends that she would be hosting a Welcome/Graduation party in my favour, a week to my birthday. Then, just a few days to the one I was suppose to defend my degree project a Lecturer friend of mine called me to inform me that two of my subjects were outstanding; one was from my first year in school and the other was of my final year. Friend, I will just try to describe how I felt with a statement: “I saw my dreams varnished before my eyes”. It was a terrible experience. I couldn’t even prepare for my “project defense”, which unfortunately was few days away. How could I explain to my family, friends and even myself that I wouldn’t graduate when I was supposed to? What about the plans and projects already set in motion awaiting my graduation? What about my mates who would leave me behind? All these unanswered questions plunged me into a depression stronger than the feared global recession- just joking. I felt very disappointed at myself and couldn’t get myself to report the sad news to my Mum.
I spent the dark days before my defense wallowing in emotional penury and losing touch with life. I lost over 10kg even though I was feeding fine. Not that it was a major setback, but it was so sudden and unexpected that I couldn’t even think of any reasonable thing to do. I was in this state for over two weeks until I had a chat with a friend- somehow I got to open up to him. That meeting prompted the needed change in my life and gave me HOPE- it was beautiful. First he advised me to inform my family, “at least they will give you some moral support and you wouldn’t feel you are in all this alone” he offered. Then he told me to get to my department (in school) and find out things for myself, “May be there was an error somewhere” he said. I obeyed him; I informed my mum that evening, she felt bad expectedly, however, she promised to support me in any way she can. After speaking to her I felt as if I had just been relief of a tank of stone on my head. Being a prayerful person she got into some serious talk with God, and as each day pass I grew stronger and “saw hope”- she was beautiful.
Just as advised, later that week I visited my department and after a few days of digging, filling and correcting we discovered it was a mistake from the department. I had even made top grades in both of the courses that I supposedly was outstanding. I don’t want to sound too religious but I wouldn’t fail to acknowledge the almighty God for everything; it was a miracle. That one miracle gave me hope; I realized that life can be very dynamic and that hanging on the edge doesn’t necessary means falling off a cliff. Since I got out of that mess I have achieve so much that I can’t compare to any other time in the past. I am richer, I enjoy a wider network of friends, I have affected more lives positively and the future has remained brighter. I can’t explain how it happened; I just know I now look to the future with HOPE and this is affecting everything I do.
I want to just point out a couple of things for you- you who have given up on everything and to who HOPE is alien.
- When there is life, there is hope.
- The solution to a problem can just be an ear away- share your pains.
- Don’t give up especially when you have tried more than enough.
- It takes a slight tilt in fate to see hope work.
- It all always has a way of working out fine; especially when we hold on.
